Calories Count

I have been reading labels lately. It's all the rage now, and soon to be required by the government. There will be a form that you have to sign as you leave the grocery store, indicating that you read each and every label, and you accept the responsibility of knowing exactly how many grams of poly un-saturated LDL Carbohydrates are in each and every Little-Debbie’s Donut Stick, and you further waive all rights to obesity-related health care benefits.

But that's not why I'm reading labels. Not because of all the government hype, but because I am in tune with my body, and conscious of the affects that the things I take in can have on this beautiful machine God has given me. Occasionally that means I am looking to reduce my calories and balance the protein, fiber and sugar that are in my snacks and meals. This kind of behavior in me usually occurs in the midst of a sugar coma - when I (not diabetic) have consumed so many calories in such a short period of time that my body and mind enter a kind of hyper awareness, in which I am aware of each and every sugar molecule, which blood cell it has climbed aboard, and which organ it arrives at. It's like I can hear the festive sugar molecules in, say, my left lung, greeting the arrival of each new buss-load of little sugar partiers, "Hey DUUUUDES! Come on in! We can fit another ten thousand of you! OK everyone, let's do the Twitch!!! Make this thing ROCK!"

Meanwhile, my left lung is trading places with my large intestine 24 times per second.

Yes, THIS is when I start to think of new calories as a bad thing, when I already have my buzz. But otherwise, I find the labels very useful to GETTING my buzz. "Hmm - the King size Hershey Chocolate with Almonds is 240 calories, but the Kit Kat is 280. I'm going to get cool with the Kit Kat!"

Now, I know some of you by now think I'm an idiot, and some of you are right. But before casting judgment, you have to know this is actually only one part of a much more sophisticated calculation. Another factor that must be considered is craving. A craving is a spiritual connection with the food. You need a quiet moment to perceive it, but it is real. For me, I can usually achieve this by staring through the glass of the vending machine for several minutes. By focusing on and imagining the taste of each and every candy bar, one at a time, you start to hear their little voices. They call out tiny cries of affection - well, or anger - most of them are rather passive-aggressive. The one that says how much it misses you is the one you are craving.

This isn't just me, . . . Is it? It happens to other people too, . . . right?

The third factor is economic. You have to calculate the Calories per Dollar (CPD). Candy with a high CPD is to be preferred above others - regardless of the total calories. For example, if you're needing a 300-calorie fix, and you have the choice of one bag of chocolate-covered pretzels, for $1.50, or two bags of Mother's Giant Cookies, for $1.20, you have to take the responsible approach and save the thirty cents for the next binge. A CPD rating below 2 hurts a food's chance of becoming my next snack.

For those of you working in a cubical farm like myself, one important way to keep your average CPD high is to browse the desks and offices for treats and snacks. You can call it “Candy Stalking”, which has a nice, Holiday ring to it – and that is precisely the time of year this technique will be most successful. These calories are absolutely free, so dive in!

Of course you would never leave your workspace on company time just to hunt for snacks, but you will, in your normal course of business, come across various individuals who keep a candy jar, or get gifts from vendors, or who love baking and bringing things to work.

People who have snacks at their desk are very important people while their supplies hold out. These people are your Friends. They are your Most Significant Colleagues. They are Interested in You, your Needs and Ideas. They Love to have you Visit because you make them Successful. Your presence at their desk is the actual definition of “Synergy”.

Keeping these small suggestions in mind, visit them ONLY as needed throughout the day, and don’t talk to them or even look at them after their snacks are gone. Saving money, getting your fix, and making the company more efficient! You are Super Effective!

In summary, you can mock the government bureaucrats, live life on a natural high, and become God’s gift to your company simply by consuming as many calories as your are physically able. I will leave discussion of the health effects of such a food plan to others who are more qualified.

Now: can anyone tell me a good brand of stretchable clothing?